Aspergers and 4th Grade: Our Quicksilver (Part 2)

Second Grade. Things were still going ok. Again, the teachers he had knew he was on the spectrum, but also knew he was smart. They found ways to work with him, for example, he's an advanced reader, so in his reading class, his teacher would tell me, "he doesn't sit still and he doesn't make eye contact, but I know he's listening because when I call on him, even if he's looking out of the window, he answers and it's correct." The times where Ben started to get upset or act up were met with redirection or timeouts then.

But, we started to notice something. The transition from class to class became harder. Kids on the spectrum don't do well with transition typically, so this was no surprise. It became harder for him to regulate himself after he moved to a new room. So, they made accommodations, He stayed on the advanced reading track but in the same room as his other class. It worked...for a while.

Third Grade. This was the transition year after the divorce. Ben was placed in a co-teaching class with neurotypical kids and some who either had learning disabilities or were on the spectrum. I'd say that was about 20% of the class. The blessing that year came in his lead teacher. Her name is Carolyn Howard and she became our angel. A mom of five, I couldn't get over how much she took to Ben and understood and empathized with him. To this day, we are friends and I thank God she was his teacher and became part of his life. He loves her and she made an incredible impact on his life for one reason...she cared. A lot. Enough to attend autism conferences on her own time to learn more about teaching Ben. Enough that when we ran into trouble in fourth grade, she rallied for Ben.

There will be, or have been, these people in your child's lives. Cherish them. They are a gift. Carolyn and I learned a lot together. We figured out a lot as went. I'd learned so much about autism and how to deal with behaviors, anxiety, etc. The one thing I wasn't prepared for was the beginning of "the turn"...when social skills become the key to everything. Ah...social skills...stay tuned for more on this ever challenging issue!

Looking For Answers?

I know there are many blogs with great information about how to advocate for your special needs child. We are very blessed to have a lot of parents and therapists, doctors, etc., who just care, and thankfully write about it.

The thing I've heard time and again from everyone in my autism community, and over the years, that's what I came to know it as, is you must be your child's BEST advocate. People will say you need to advocate for your child and that will likely leave with a deer in the headlights expression and you saying, "Ummm....ok, what does that mean?"

It means reading, researching, doing your homework. Let's face it, none of us in this world have any excuse for not knowing better. If you're reading this, you have a computer or a smart phone. That means you have access to a search engine. At first I thought I should list a bunch of resources I've found over the years. But then, I thought...ok, parents of kids on the spectrum surely have searched the web for information. I've collected these sites and this insight by searching everything I could about Aspergers and autism and doing the homework myself. Any parent of a kid on the spectrum should do the same--no excuses. Eventually, I will post my favorites. Until then, use that awesome Google machine!

Aspergers and 4th Grade: Our Quicksilver (part 1)

I call it the quicksilver year because it's the year everything changed so rapidly. Although I believe there were many contributing factors, I ended up concluding it just happens. I got further proof this was an actuality when I decided to pull Ben out of public school to stop the suffering all around. I researched several schools and found one I thought was almost perfect. When I went to meet the headmaster I knew it was the one. I asked her why she started the school and she began to tell me the story of her son, who is on the spectrum. "Everything was going ok until fourth grade..." You can guess the rest. Something happens...particularly with boys. Social skills, friendships, anxiety...all factor in to what becomes "bad behavior".

Ben's 4th grade year:

Number of suspensions: 4
Number of days out of school: 12
Number of times I was called, texted, notified: too many
Number of days I nearly lost it: way too many

Up until 4th grade, Ben was coping ok. Well, from kindergarten to third grade, he was better than ok. He moved from inclusion preschool to a mainstreamed kindergarten class since he'd done so well academically and behaviorally. We were blessed with two amazing kindergarten teachers, a lead teacher who herself had a child with special needs and a parapro who was getting her degree in special ed at the time. It was magical. Ben thrived, had fun and had such a happy environment he learned so much.

First grade went fairly well, too. His teacher was a very calm and nurturing person. Although he did start to show some "behavior" issues and I use parentheses around behavior, because anyone with a child with Aspergers will tell you behavioral issues are a typically a manifestation of the spectrum. From an early age, I have tried to explain to everyone, from family members, to friends, to teachers (yes teachers), the difference between bad behavior and meltdowns, It's tough, because as I'm sure many parents will attest, you find yourself yelling at your own kid sometimes thinking "I know you know the difference." The thing is, they may. But, they may not be able to process or control their emotions at the moment. And, we know when anxiety kicks in, it makes it worse.

Divorce and Special Needs...Double Whammyism

Before I get into the real purpose of the blog...dealing with all of the monkey wrenches that come with adolescence and school...I should preface with another not so great factor: Ben's dad and I divorced along the way. Ben was going into third grade.

He'd been making such great progress. As I mentioned, he'd been almost completely mainstreamed at this point and discharged from speech therapy. He also had amazing teachers this year, one that I've since become friends with and who has become one of his biggest advocates. Still, something changed after the divorce. In my research, I attributed it to the change it routine, which we know affects our kids. Read more about the need for consistency and sameness of environment here.

Divorce just stinks and if you have special needs kids or not, unless you are the textbook, perfect parent and the inspiration for all "this is how you should act as a divorced mom" articles, you'll mess it up a few times.

While I want to focus primarily on school, my struggles with the school system opened a Pandora's Box of information that taught how "duped" I was in my own divorce. I made the mistake many women do and I wanted to stop the bleeding and just take the deal to get out. I'm smarter than that, and I regret it every day. Money aside, because I got screwed (or screwed myself) there, I didn't pay attention to the impact the initial custody agreement would have on my special needs child. Big mistake, that Ben and I both paid for. It took me almost two years of custody modification to right this wrong. I even took less child support than I was entitled to just so my ex would see the light in what was best for our son.

I have about three feet of files and research on this, which I will add eventually, but I encourage every parent to know their rights. Look at sights like this, which offer state-specific advice. And always remember, the educated parent is the best advocate!